Funny Facebook Statuses

Funny Facebook Status Updates

 1. You`re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.

2. Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don’t know.

3. Username or Password incorrect. TELL ME WHICH ONE YOU SON OF A BITCH.

4. I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.

5. Excuse me is your last name Gillette? …because you are the best a man can get!

6. Girls fall in love with what they hear. Boys fall in love with what they see. That’s why girls wear make up and boys lie.

7. My bank is the worst. They’re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can’t even afford to be broke.

8. Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning..

9. I love it when my computer says ” are you sure you want to continue unprotected ”.

10. My wife always complains that I dont take her anywhere expensive… so I took her to the Gas Station.

11. Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.

12. Decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire.

13. I don’t make typos. I make new words.

14. Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children. ;)

15. Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.

16. Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.

17. When I was a kid, I used to sing, ‘A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P’

18. My mother texted me ‘What does IDK, LY & TTYL mean?’ I answered: ‘I dont know, love u, talk to u later.’ Mother: ‘Ok, I’ll ask your sister’.

19. Congratulations!! You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click Control + W.

20. When you see a man opening a car door for a woman it can only mean 1 of 2 things. Either the car is new or the wife is.

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  • asfd

    haha!